Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
You Might Also Like
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?