the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
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I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*