If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
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I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?