*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
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Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?