Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
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The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
The only equipped I am is ill.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?