“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
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Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Mornin
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.