There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
You Might Also Like
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Meowchelangelo
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.