Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
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Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Is this a threat?
congratulations to them
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.