Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
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That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
😂😂😂
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme