i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
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[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
💯😂
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.