If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
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Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?