CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
You Might Also Like
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
My blood type is b hungry.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.