ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
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OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun