If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
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The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)