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8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
School be like
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”