Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
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[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
What’s a Messi?
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..