[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
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We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
*exercises sarcastically*
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.