*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
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I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.