Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
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“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
started wrapping my pills in cheese
If you love someone, let them tweet.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.