They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
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I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.