Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
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Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.