everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
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I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?