Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
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Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”