I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
You Might Also Like
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Has there ever been a more American story?
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.