My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
You Might Also Like
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
the three branches of government
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting