If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
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The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.