My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
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It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
My loaf of bread looks terrified
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf