A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
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Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Very problematic
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.