“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
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“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Children of the corn 🌽
My neck, my back, my…
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.