AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
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Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.