Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
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Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen