[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
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You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.