I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
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I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Sticker placement is key.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.