Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
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House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
me, too, girl. me, too.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
I am, perchance
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.