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“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Current mood: Potato
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.