*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
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Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
I love art.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.