Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
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If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.