Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
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These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Ah..makes sense now
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat