ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
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Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Danger is very dangerous
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.