My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
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Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
This why you should mind your business
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
How to find Kentucky on a map
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.