My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
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i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call