Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
You Might Also Like
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”