You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
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Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Come back with a warrant
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.