a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
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I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
finally found a reasonable question
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.