Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
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Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Bruh PLEASE
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
😂😂
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car