You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
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daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
That’s fair