Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
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Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.