[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
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[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
“no gods no masters” = leo
the composer
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something