My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
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I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Happy Caturday!
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
She: I like Cats
He:
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?