I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
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what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”